I've learnt a few lessons this week - or at least had a few thought provoking moments. There's a couple of things I struggle mammothly with - housekeeping and mothering! How ironic that all I have to do is add 'wife' to that list of things and it pretty much defines who I am at this time of my life. So feeling like I am FAILING at 2 out of 3 of my job descriptions has left me feeling pretty blah, to put it mildly.
Anyway - I've found a new blog that I am LOVING - I have started at the very beginning of her blog and am reading my way forward - check her out if you like - she has over 5000 followers so its safe to say she'd a pretty awesome read :) iammommahearmeroar.blogspot.com. She has a mix of crafty and thoughtful stuff as well as a blog of parts of her life, and its pretty awesome to read certain sentences that indicate she's a member of the same church too...I always love finding other members out there.
So - I read a post last night that totally spoke to me - the topic for her blog readers to comment on was how they balance keeping house and caring for their children. I don't feel like I do either of these things well. At all. The first one - I hate housework. With a passion. I very rarely feel that sense of accomplishment that you're meant to feel at the end of a job well done. Why you might ask? Because, as soon as I complete one job I turn around and see the SEA of other jobs to be done. I feel OVERWHELMED almost all of the time. I cannot believe the amount of mess 3 little bodies are able to make in the shortest space of time. Sometimes I think we just have too much stuff and need to throw it all out. Sometimes I do throw it out. No matter what I do, I feel like I live in a dump. And the thought of cleaning it just makes me want to cry/sleep/run away/anything BUT clean it. And the thought of adding a 4th little body to all of this existing chaos is starting to really freak me out.
We actually had a really funny conversation at our kitchen table the other morning - Madson was talking about when we have the next baby (after this baby) and I was quick to say to him 'Oh honey, we won't be having another baby - this will be the last one'. Well, he wanted to know why we wouldn't be having any more babies, and I answered him 'because mummy finds it really hard to keep the house clean with our little family now and its going to get harder with more babies', and Ystyn piped into the conversation with 'don't worry Madson, mummy hasn't been able to keep the house clean with 1 baby, 2 babies or 3 babies, so it doesn't matter how many babies we have'. I burst into tears. He didn't mean it the way it sounded. Ystyn is THE kindest and most understanding husband when it comes to what does/doesn't get done around here. But it really hurt BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
So finding this post was just what I needed.
Reading some of the ideas given on this blog were really really good. I have tried a few of the ideas before, but the one that is really giving me some hope at the moment is to take one room/job a day and concentrate on doing that. So today I set myself the task of kitchen and laundery. And I did it. And I feel awesome! The bedrooms are still a pigstye, but that's tomorrow's job, and I know the bathroom and vacuuming and mopping are all going to get done before the week is out. And it means that I don't feel the usual guilt today that I normally feel or the same feeling of overwhemling hopelessness. So I'm really looking forward to seeing how the rest of the week pans out.
The second thing that really struck me from this post and subsequent comments was in answer to the 'how do you know if you're doing a good enough job as a parent'.
Seriously, I feel like I am one of the worst parents/mothers ever. I am always sending my kids away to play/entertain themselves and a hundred and one other things that I don't have the strength to admit to you. But one commentor said something like she realised she needed to treat her children with more kindness. She realised that she was doing all the other things she needed to do as a mum - feed, clothe, bathe, read to, play with, but that sometimes she forgets to implement kindness. This really struck a cord. I guess I kind of come from the old school of 'tough love'. But I need to use more kindness. As much as I might feel overwhelmed and out of my depth, I love these little people more than anything else EVER and I need to work so much harder to be KIND to them. I tell them I love them all the time, but I also need to work harder at being KIND to them. Everyone deserves KINDNESS. And I can do better. And that's an exciting thought - I can do better.
Thanks for bareing with me through such a long post - I just had to get some of my thoughts out of my head and down on 'paper'. Check out Cheri on i am momma hear me roar - she is serioulsy amazing! I'm so grateful for such inspiring people out there - I feel like I'm surrounded by so many amazing women who I learn so much from.
And you're one of them.